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Braaaaaaains, LOL!!!|06/03/03

I knew it was only a matter of time before the harsh reality of instant messaging programs affecting the brain would come to life. This article would make even Ghandi want to take a broken glass launcher to the face of the next 13-year-old brain-dead AOL user to use the term "LOL." If you are too lazy to click on that link or you have no mouse or keyboard or hands or something, it is about a girl that submitted an essay to her English teacher written completely in internet shorthand. INTERNET SHORTHAND. I can not even conceive of any creature with or without the ability to write to create such a brain-wrenching piece of literature.

Remember that time that kid decided to nail his penis to the back of Michael Bolton's refrigerator while wearing a hat of flaming daisies because Britney Spears told him to? No? Of course not, no kid is that stupid. Until now, that is. I punched my screen when I read this. It really hurt.

"An English essay written by a British teenager in text messaging short-hand has reignited concern among teachers that literacy standards are under threat," headlines CNN. I've never been to Britain, but I can assure you if society there allows kids that have obviously had their neurochemicals replaced with toothpaste and donkey feces to even make it to a grade where essays would be written, then YES, there is indeed a problem with literacy standards, as well as gene pool standards.

I took it into my own hands to interview the prodigy (and by prodigy, I mean dumbass) herself and all of her answers were essentially "OMGG LOL KTHX KEWL!!", give or take a few random smashings of a face on a keyboard. I guess she was having a stroke or something.

"My smmr hols wr CWOT."
Translation: I've been drinking Pinesol *drool*.

I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that the girl didn't realize she was a moron, the part where she put her state of moron on paper, the part where she attempted to pass off her lack of thought as English, or the part where the teacher didn't tie a copy of Webster's to each of her limbs and tossed her into a piranha infested electrical tank. I know I would. In fact, I'd buy the plane ticket just to do so, but chances are she'd have already died doing something like tying her shoes before I got there.

WeLL thts all 4 Me, TTYL!! LoLLerz!!

- Typhoeus