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What is the Message?|08/03/03

I am sure by now everyone reading this has already been subjected to the puma ads that have been floating around. Since I saw them first, they seem to have spread like wildfire through Christina Aguilera's hair extensions. I've yet to track down any completely reliable source to prove if the ads were indeed printed, but from the looks of them, I'd believe it. In a world where George W. Bush can be president of a country, I guess anything is possible.

So let us take a look at said ad. Alright, a normal innocent picture displaying two young persons partaking in the display of their great new shoes. Seems innocent enough.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! What's this? Subject A appears to be crouched down with her head approximately pelvis level with subject B. Well, what conclusions is the public going to jump to? Obviously, they are going to think that the B's fly is down and he has no arms, and A has severe carpal tunnel syndrome and thus must pull his zipper up with her teeth. At least that is what I assumed. Alas, that does not seem to be the message Puma is trying to get across.

Don't believe me? Take a closer look. Oh? What is that on her leg?

Me: So, what exactly is that on the model's leg?
Puma Representative: Well, you see, the carpal tunnel teeth zipper girl had the flu. Terrible really. I guess she had a runny nose and we missed it in editing.
Me: In both ads?
Puma Representative: This. Interview. Is. Over.

Alas, I fear that the mysterious substance was not in fact nose related at all, and the subjects were completely healthy. That girl is wearing a lot more than new sneakers and that guy has his zipper down for a reason.

I could not even imagine a company presenting such an ad before seeing this. How would an advertiser display this to the company for feedback?

"Well, I was busy cleaning out my porn collection when I thought, 'I want a burrito.' While eating that burrito, I came up with an ingenious plan of creating my OWN porn, exploring the magical world of sneakers. I mean, sneakers! I didn't own any shoes though, so I put empty burrito bags on my feet and walked to the sneaker store. I saw a sweet pair of Nikes and it hit me. I could bring porn to sneakers instead! Upon presenting my idea to Nike, I was rejected and rather large goons dragged me out into the street and broke my kneecaps... now here I am!"

Alright, so the ad is out, now let's examine the messages here.

Guy sees ad:
- Puma is selling oral sex now?
- Those are some pretty sweet blowjob- I mean sneakers.
- So... I buy my girlfriend matching shoes and bag and this is the outcome?
- I need to find girls that wear Puma shoes.
- Heh heh, that chick has man chowder on her leg. Heh heh.

Girl sees ad:
- PUMA IS SELLING MATCHING BAGS!! EEEE!!
- Those sneakers are so ugly. They rely on sex to sell.
- If my boyfriend buys me Pumas, it's over.
- I'm going to avoid guys wearing Pumas.
- Oh my god, is that me?

Net effect: No matter who is shocked and disgusted, the ad will get immense attention and puma will sell shoes. Hell, I wouldn't mind having a new pair of red Pumas.

I guess that's all then. A shocking and unecessary ad indeed, but it works. Then again, it still may not even really exist, in which case I've wasted my time.

Special thanks to: The pleasant folks of Earthbound, Satan, and Dan, the lavatory man.

- Typhoeus